Making Love Last

How many years have you been married?  Is the memory of your wedding day still fresh in your mind?  More importantly, is it still fresh in your heart?

Memories of our wedding day may include the uncomfortable shoes we rented from the tuxedo store.  Or the last minute details we had our bridesmaids scurrying about to fix.  Did the caterer get everything right?  Is Uncle Al here yet?

With the passing of each anniversary, perhaps our memories grow a bit faded.  The excitement of the first-year anniversary gives way to celebrating year fourteen at Denny’s, and that’s only after dropping the kids off at soccer practice.

Instead of talking at breakfast, we read the paper.  No one’s deaf and yet we still yell.

What has happened?  Is this how it has to be?  The answer is … No!

A good marriage can get better and a struggling marriage can find new hope.  But it will take effort.  And it will take time.  Most importantly, it will take God.

Are you looking for one question that will keep you on the path to continuous growth?  While there are many questions you may choose to ask yourself, I’ve found one question that is helpful no matter what you do for a living … or what relationship you are trying to improve.

Ready?  Here it is …

“How can I get better at what I do?”

When we have a mindset of continual growth — as opposed to a self-imposed belief that we cannot improve — we will look for opportunities to improve in every situation we encounter, in every relationship we have. But the key is to be always on the lookout for ways to improve.

• How can I become a better husband or wife?
• How can I become better at listening?
• How can I become better at showing compassion?

What you may find is that getting better is incremental rather than monumental.

I can remember when having a pair of shoes with velcro was considered cool; I can foresee another time in life when having shoes with velcro will be practical!

Velcro is used in a variety of products and settings because it’s an effective way of linking together two objects.  It’s replaced zippers, shoe laces, and more.  It has the familiar “ripping” sound when pulled apart.

When it comes to relationships, compliments and criticisms are like velcro strips … once we’ve said either one, we’re linked to the person on the receiving end.

• Compliments reinforce and rebuild.  A well-placed compliment recognizes a strength and reinforces it.  It takes latent potential and brings it closer to the surface.  It also rebuilds, breathing new life into a damaged relationship or wounded dream.
• Criticisms live on in the heart well after they’ve left the mouth.  Intentional or unintentional, they fasten themselves to previous hurts or attach themselves to doubts.

Not all compliments stick like velcro; to do so, they must be genuine. Insincere compliments may stick more like a wet bandaid than a strip of velcro.  At some point, it becomes more of a nuisance than a blessing.

Not all criticisms are out-of-bounds.  Accountability requires critical thinking and the ability to communicate necessary changes in a way that is clear and careful.  Perhaps the difference lies in having critical thinking skills or simply having a critical spirit.

At home or at work, choose your words carefully because you may be applying velcro.

My father loved wingtip shoes.  He also drove a succession of long, boxy Chevy Caprice Classics (circa mid-1980′s).  When I asked him why, he told me that “good taste never goes out of style.”

Wingtips and Caprice Classics aside, there are certain things that never do go out of style.

• Our longing to be appreciated.
• Our desire to have purpose.
• Our habit of wanting to belong.
• Our need for love.

It’s true: Love never goes out of style.

How we express our love may change from generation to generation.  My father was raised during the Great Depression and never gave me a full-on hug until I left for college.  But I never doubted he loved me.

God created us with the need to be loved and to show love.

“What a man (and a woman) desires is unfailing love …” (Proverbs 19:22).  Few marriages are simply marriages of convenience — let’s get married because it’s easier to do yard work with two people helping out.  Marriage appeals to us because it carries the possibility that we just might find what we’re looking for … unfailing love.

In a wonderful passage describing the attributes of real love, the apostle Paul writes:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

It’s why he will say in the very last verse in that chapter, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Love never goes out of style.  It may wax and wane.  There may be moments of disappointments; perhaps even seasons of disappointment.

But don’t lose hope.  Don’t give up.  Real love never goes out of style.

– Ken

Getting better at a relationship is often incremental rather than monumental.

Breakthroughs happen one step at a time; maybe one inch at a time.  It’s the small decisions made correctly over sustained periods of time that build the momentum we need to move forward.

Unfortunately, we are conditioned to look for the one key thing — the one secret or step — that will produce a major change.  We expect to get better immediately.  We expect to improve by quantum leaps.  We expect our relationships to magically correct themselves and lead to endless bliss.

While we wait for the monumental to appear, we miss the incremental changes that are well within our grasp.

Perhaps a failing marriage cannot be transformed overnight.  That’s looking for a monumental change to save the day (and you’re probably hoping to buy real estate with no money down).  However, if we think incrementally, we can begin with a simple gesture of gratitude that forms the first step towards repairing the breach.  We might start by taking out the trash without being asked.   It could be a short, hand-written note left in a purse or briefcase.  Incremental change recognizes the power of small gestures.

Do monumental breakthroughs happen?  They do.  I’ve seen people grow in ways and at rates no one ever imagined.  I’ve also seen good people grow frustrated because the big breakthrough never comes.

Rather than wait for your monumental change, why not pick one thing you can do today and do it?

It’s been said — and it’s often true — that actions speak louder than words.

Most of us stood hand-in-hand with our spouse on our wedding day and recited our vows of commitment.  Vows which pledged our love, our faithfulness.  Perhaps you chose the traditional route and vowed to love each other “in sickness and in health, in good times or bad.”  Or maybe you wrote your own vows, using your own words to capture the intentions of your heart.

Words are important.

With our words we create wonderful pictures.  With our words we give expression to what we’re feeling on the inside.  Who hasn’t heard the words “I love you” and felt appreciated.

It is only when our actions provide testimony to our words that our words will be listened to.  Saying “I love you” and never acting like it means nothing.  However, being attentive to the little things or writing a handwritten note placed in a suitcase … or taking out the trash without being pestered to do so … those actions lend credibility to our words.

Actions do speak louder than words.